Mental health is such a raw subject. I am 22 years old and have struggled through mental health problems since the age of 11. It’s so hard, people underestimate the pain people go through. Having your own thoughts turn against you, you get so impulsive that it makes the world spin. You don’t know what your next move is going to be, will it be a dangerous act against my life or will be an act of self care and self worth? Now that is a question I was never able to answer. I never knew what my day had in stall for me. I never knew if that day I was going to wake up and try to kill myself or I’d go for a nice walk in the park with friends.
I had this devil inside me called borderline personality disorder. This meant that I couldn’t hold friendships, I would make everyone turn against me on purpose. I would purposely start arguments so I didn’t have to communicate properly with people. Now I hate arguments and I can’t stand being around arguments. They scare me and that was caused by my own insecurities. I was so impulsive that one minute I’d be laughing and joking then the next I’d be self harming alone on my bathroom floor. I was so unpredictable to myself but most people would say I was ‘predictable’ even though I never knew what was around the corner for me. I’d go through phases of not eating and starving myself to eating normal amounts and purging all of that up. At one point I was so delicate, I was very poorly and had to force myself to drink endures in order to keep my rights from being on a section and being tubed. Although I was sectioned I still had a choice – eat or be force fed through a tube – now that was when I hit rock bottom.
Why should I be forced to make choices I don’t want to make? Why should I better myself when I’m so worthless and such a horrible person? I didn’t want to get better because I felt like I didn’t deserve a single ounce of it. I was scared of being happy, I thought if I was happy something would soon pop up to bring me down further and further.
Flashbacks that would take me back to horrible events in life that should never have to be remembered. Flashbacks that mentally and physically took over my body, hearing a voice, feeling a sensory feeling. Going paralysed. Banging my head against a brick wall just to numb my thoughts. It was a never ending battle between my body, my abuser and my mind.
I have an amazing boyfriend. I have a new diagnosis of post traumatic stress disorder as well as bpd in remission. I have a loving boyfriend who reminds me every single day of my worth and how beautiful I am. I have just landed myself a job as a mental health recovery worker. I am so lucky to have overcome everything I have been through, I’d like to thank every single person who was involved in my care and helped me see the light in my darkest of days.